Clothes Woes

So I asked for some blog requests yesterday, partly because I'm trying to blog a little more often but have been mostly clueless when it comes to picking a topic, but also because I had such fun when I did them before. Six months ago (wow, six months? It's been that long?) I did a full week of requests, with most of them being a little bit silly, but all of them being great fun to do. My first request this time around came from my good friend (and personal illustrator) Ana, who asked me to ramble about the fashion industry's predisposition to promote the idea that if you aren't skinny, then you aren't worth dressing nicely. Well, they weren't the exact words she used, but that was the gist of what she meant, I believe. I get a bit wound up on this subject, so Ana picked a good subject for me to ramble about....

Now, I'm a big girl, and always have been - it's just not in my genes to be slim. Even when I have been within my healthy weight range, I still had more wobbly bits than Mr Blobby. I've recently lost quite a lot of weight and am hoping to ged rid of some more before the summer arrives. And when I say quite a lot of weight, I'm talking stones here, not pounds. Well, obviously I have lost pounds, because that's how we measure our weight loss, but you know what I mean. Anyway, my almost-but-not-quite-three-stones weight loss (39lbs for you non-Brits out there) is great, no question, but if I walked into a clothes shop right now, I would be still be sniggered at by the snooty sales staff if I ventured toward the Trendy Section.

I've dropped two sizes, but I'm still a size 14 (well, on the bottom at any rate, my boobs push me into the size 16 bracket up on top). By the by, for my American friends, my size 14 is your size 18, and to my European buddies, that's a 44 (according to Wiki, at any rate).  I'm still around 20lbs overweight, and even if (when, Tara, when!) I reach my goal, I figure I'll only drop one more size. And do you know what, that still isn't considered the pleasing form for fashion designers out there. It makes my blood boil!

Fashion designers create clothes that generall only look good if you are skinny enough to squeeze through prison bars, and have boobs the size of ping-pong balls. And as for hips, well.... if you're unlucky enough to have hips that will actually allow you to give birth naturally, then you obviously don't need to wear fashionable clothes, do you?  What was that, madam? You wanted something nice to wear for your daughter's baptism? Here, have some shapeless trousers to disguise those roomy hips, and a lovely tent to drape over your bountiful bosom. No, I really wouldn't advise anything else, you're just not the right shape for it, dear.

*smacks Miss Stick Insect Sales Woman*

Even when you're shopping for every day clothes - you know, your basic t-shirts, jeans, that type of thing - you have to face the Mannequins of Doom in the shop windows before you can buy anything. Those awful mannequins that quite frankly are a wee bit scary. Look at me, Wobbly Shopper, I'm made of plastic, have freaky eyes that follow you around the store, I stand in strange poses that real people would never in a million years really do, and I'm just a little bit of an oddball. But who cares, because I'm SKINNY! Ha!

Or maybe it's just me who thinks that? *shifty*

And then we have the 'specialist' clothes stores and catalogues, catering to the needs of women everywhere who are bigger than your standard waif. These stores still use those Mannequins of Doom, and the catalogues use models that don't appear to have any extra wobbly bits at all. I'm betting they make the models' clothes in 'normal' sizes for the photo shoots, and then manufacture the masses in 'grotesque' size. I say 'grotesque' because, having ordered from a few of these catalogues myself, I have experience in recieving items that looked quite nice in the catalogue, but in reality looked like granny's least favorite flowery housecoat.

It stinks, it really does. I'm fairly happy with my size at the moment, even though I could do with losing a bit more weight. But all those fabulous clothes out there are still out of my grasp. Women are supposed to have curves! Why aren't there clothes out there that celebrate this? The whole conception that you have to be stick-thin to be beautiful is disgusting. Women come in all shapes and sizes, and every one of them has the right to feel beautiful, whether they are a size 6 or 26. 

So as far as I'm concerned, all you snotty sales staff and fashion designers can stuff it. *nods* I'm not skinny and I never will be, but if I want to show a bit of cleavage in a sexy top, or wear a little skirt that highlights my long (and yes, slightly wobbly,) legs, I will. You don't have the right to tell me what I can and cannot wear.

And as for you, Mannequin of Doom, I'm watching you. Plastic Fantastic you may be, but I'm the Real Deal. So there.

Don't forget - first person to post has to give me a topic for my next blog!

The Whole Networking Thingy

So I've finally gotten around to this networking malarkey that people keep telling me is so important in the frantic state that is Looking For A Publisher. I totally 'get' the process, but I'm not sure how successful I'll be. So far I've been friend requesting (on Facebook) as many authors as I can find - some are 'borrowed' from my current friends' friends lists, while others I have searched for manually. It's hit and miss - you don't always know that the person you're requesting to be friends with is actually the person you want. Like a wise man once said, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get...."

It's also a bit awkward. I mean, it sort of feels cheeky friend requesting someone you have never met, especially because it sort of looks like you're only doing it to further your own interests. Which, okay, I sort of am, but not in a leechy kind of way. I wouldn't ask or expect anyone to help me hook an agent or a publisher, because at the end of the day that's something only I can do, with maybe a little help from Lady Luck (Say, I wonder if she is on Facebook? *snort*).

What I have already discovered, and this is only day one, is that the majority of authors out there (and not only authors, people in general I guess) are friendly, willing to help, and just basically nice human beings (being human always helps). Everyone starts off somewhere, and the important thing for me (and everyone else like me) to remember is that every published author out there today used to be right where I am now. Another important thing to remember is that in this internet evolved world, there are so many avenues open to aspiring authors than there was twenty or thirty years ago. You can google pretty much anything and everything, and if you research diligently, there is plenty of free help out there for struggling writers. You just need to know where to look.

Getting published will always be difficult, no matter how super-talented you are, or how fabulous your book is. But nobody is going to do it for you. So I'm embracing this networking thingy with open arms and hoping that being in the company of other authors - even if it is only internet-based company - will rub some positive energy onto me. A girl can hope, after all.

Meanwhile, I'm still going to try and find Lady Luck on Facebook though....

P.S. 

I'm not back to blogging every day, but am aiming for three or four times a week. In the interests of sticking to this new goal, I'm bringing back requests (seeing as it worked so well before). Some of you are familiar with the drill, but for those who aren't, the first person to post on today's blog gets to pick the subject for the next one. I figure I'll do five requests altogether, with the same stipulation.: first to post gets to make me blog about whatever they choose....

Try to be nice though. *snort*

You Never Know....

It's May 1st! Seriously, May 1st?? Where the hell did January, February, March and April go? Anyway, besides wondering where the last four months have gone, I am fairly happy that it is May because that means we are slowly but surely heading towards the summer. Of course, living in Britain means that summer is not exactly what it ought to be. We'll probably get an odd week here and there with supremely hot weather, but on the whole I'd hazard a guess that we'll be needing our coats and umbrellas far more often than the season of summer would normally require. Still, summer is summer, be it sunny or not.

Anywho, although I generally hate the hot days (yeah, I'm a miserable witch), I am still far more upbeat during the summer season when compared to the rest of the year. It probably has something to do with the extra hours of daylight (it definitely has nothing to do with the summer holidays - two boisterous kids + seven weeks of no school usually = Severely Stressed Tara).  Anyway....

So it's May, and the start of a new season. Hopefully it's the start of a new phase for me too, because I'm pretty sick and tired of being Miserable Tara. So, in the interests of making a new start, I recently starting re-posting an old fanfic of mine over on HPANA. I figured I needed something regular to do to keep me occupied that didn't require a lot of brain power, but would get me back in the habit of participating online again. I've mostly been good; I'd intended posting one section a day, and although I've missed days, I've managed to post several sections at a time to make up for it. The lovely thing is that I have new readers! Back in its heyday, the fic had a strong following, but the level of participating members on HPANA has generally dwindled since the last Harry Potter book was released, and most of my original readership have either left the site, or have lost interest in reading fanfics.

Now, I'm  someone who likes to stick to what they know. The fanfic community over on HPANA is quite 'cliquey' - you definitely have a core group for a certain type of story, and generally you'll find that a group of people will stick to their own stories and won't venture into anything else. I can't grumble about that because I am largely the same. You stick to the people you are familiar with, it's just one of those things.

My original group of readers were fabulous. They read everything I posted, be it dramatic, emotional, or just plain crazy. And no matter how bizarre my writing was, they always responded positively. I really miss those days, and often wish I could go back in time a few years. *sighs*

Anywho, I was wary of posting this particular fic because, well, to be truthful, it's a bit nutty. Not only that, but I've been stuck in a rut with my fanfic (and my writing in general, if I'm being honest) for a long time. Not having my old reading gang behind me was pretty scary, especially because this was not your usual fic.

But I was brave, and I started re-posting. I had two fabulous readers immediately, who have never failed to comment after each and every update posted. *hugs Leesh and Kimmy*. Then, this morning, I had a new reader post, and do you know what, it felt wonderful. Seriously wonderful.  My three readers (now three might not seem a big readership, but on a site that has slowed down dramatically, three is no bad deal) are people that six months ago I had never really spoken to. I knew them a little, since I moderate for the site and am pretty familiar with most of the members on there, especially on the fanfic boards, but I didn't really interact with them. Like I said, we're a cliquey bunch, and we tend to stick to our own.

But do you know what? These new people are just as fun and encouraging as my previous readers. Which goes to show that if you are brave enough to step out from your comfort zone, you will probably be nicely surprised. So I have a suggestion for you (yes, I mean YOU). Try something new today. It could be anything from trying something new to eat, trying a new author or genre when you look for a book to read, even trying a random blog that you've never looked at before. Just try it. Maybe you won't like it.... but may you will. And maybe you'll discover some new friends too.

Rambling Update

Considering it's been three weeks since my last blog - you know, when I said I'd be blogging a bit more often *shifty* - and considering that I now have a few projects to work on and therefore have something to blog about, I thought I'd pop by and ramble a bit. Of course, I've had a few bevvies this afternoon (highly unusual for me, but there we are), so I'm nice and relaxed and am more amenable to typing. Another of course is that I should have blogged properly for the last three (er, four) months when I had virtually nothing to do, but (yet another) of course, I have chosen to blog when I have about a gazillion other things that I should be doing instead.

In any case....

I have finally started editing my novel from last November's NaNo madness - yay! I have decided that I want to be ready to send it to publishers (or, at least, a specific publisher) by the beginning of September. I originally planned to have it done by the end of July, but I am postponing (for a reason not yet to be divulged) for a wee while.

In other news, my lovely writer's group (http://www.the-burrow.org/) are keeping me busy (with spiffy things that are also not yet to be divulged) and this recent burst of activity is responsible for giving me back some of my Motivation Mojo. So far I have his lower body (which can be quite nice, if I'm honest), but I'm hopeful that I will soon have the use of his full working body (including his brain, which is the bit that feeds my ideas) sometime very soon.

Closely related to my 'other' news, I'm having a marvelous time reading and reviewing my fellow writers' stories from The Burrow. Well, I'm thoroughly enjoying the reading at any rate, but as my reviews tend to be cringe-worthy ('I liked that bit' is about as technical as I get),it's a bit of a mixed bag. I mean, I always feel that my review comments rarely (if at all) help, so I'm a bit squirmy about posting them. Still, I do my best, and that is all you can ask of anyone, right?

In other, other news, I'm now 3lbs shy of the three stone marker in my weight loss project. Okay, so losing weight is not really a project, but I am working at it, so as far as I'm concerned, it's a project. *nods firmly* I've dutifully ordered the Wii Dance game (to go with the Wii Sports) and will endeavor to get the console out for an hour every day in my bid to get to my target weight (as of now, I am 23lbs away from my goal).

In other, other, other news, I'm definitely feeling better lately, and having more good days than bad, so I'm hoping that May will be the month that I finally get back to what I love doing (er, I'm talking about writing, in case anyone wondered. Of course, there could be nobody reading this, so nobody would wonder, but.... what was I saying?). Ah yes, back to writing.

And editing.

And reviewing.

And blogging.

Well, as much as any procrastinator can, at any rate....

Me, Myself & It.

After yesterday's silliness, today's blog is on a more sombre note, so if you've clicked on a link expecting to find something silly/random/insane etc, then you might want to hit the back button.

Today's blog title is, unsurprisingly, referring to me, your humble blogger. I'm naturally inclined to be depressed, though I try my best to be upbeat as much as I possibly can. The 'Me', 'Myself', and 'It' I'm referring to are actually the three versions of me that make up the complete Tara. I'm mostly in the 'It' zone at the moment, and I thought that defining my three personalities on today's blog might help me on my way towards being 'Me' again, which is the version of Tara I like best. If you're still reading, this would be the time to hit that back button before you get sucked into the black hole that is my murky mind.

Me

This is the best version of Tara, definitely. This is the version that wrote wacky blogs for two solid months and somehow managed to make people laugh. This is the me that made a bunch of wonderful friends online through writing (mostly mediocre) Harry Potter fan fiction. This is the me that has such a filthy mind that she snorts and giggles at the silliest of things and usually gets raised eyebrows in return. This is the me that makes typos and boken keboaz the funniest things in the world. This is the me who glomps everyone and wiggles her eyebrows suggestively at the merest hint of smut. This is the me that believes that she's not the fattest, ugliest, or least talented or boring woman on the planet. This is the me that believes that one day she will be recognised as an author by more than her closest friends. This is definitely the me that I want to be.

Myself

Onto slightly darker stuff now. This version of me thinks that everything she does is crap. This version of me looks in a mirror and sees nothing but fat staring back at her. This version of me has bags under her eyes so big that she could pack luggage for a family of four for a round the world cruise. This version of me lies awake most nights even though she is so exhausted she should be snoring her head off. This version of me doubts everything, from her writing to her looks. This version of me wants to crawl into a corner and hibernate for at least the next century. This version of me doesn't want to eat, sleep, talk.... well, doesn't want to do anything really. Apathy is not Tara's friend, no sirree.

Then again, as much as I hate it when 'Myself' comes for a visit, I would far rather feel lethargic than play host to 'It', who unfortunately seems to be appearing far more regularly than she used to, and usually follows a period of 'Myselfness'.

It

Now for anyone still reading, I applaud you. I also warn you that this is the part that gets darker than Anakin Skywalker's trusty helmet. When I titled today's blog, it might have been more technically accurate to call it 'Me, Myself & I', but make no mistake, it wasn't a typo that I thought to leave as it was and run with it. I purposely chose 'It' because an 'It' is exactly how I'd describe this third version of me. It's an 'It' because I don't recognise any part of this version as being part of Tara. This version of me is paranoid, obsessive, destructive, angry, defeated, bitchy, tearful (well, 'sobful' would be a better term but that's not a real word), edgy and nervous. This version of me constantly has a foot tapping or a finger twitching, and is usually found to be staring into space (when she's not sobbing like a baby, that is). This version of me doesn't know what the hell she's doing half of the time. This version of me is damaging, no question.

So What The Hell Is This All About?

If I pretend that these versions are somebody else I can be objective. Logically I know that when 'It' comes for a visit, that's all it will be - a visit. Granted, usually she outstays her welcome by a longshot, but she definitely goes away at some point. When 'Myself' is in residence it is much the same; she'll stay longer than That Person who leaves the party hours after its finished, but eventually you can get rid of her. Logically I know this. But when it comes to Me, Myself & It, logic doesn't mean diddly squat. Pretending that this three-way Tara is somebody else doesn't really help in the long term.

I'm pleased that I can break all this down - it means that my brain is not as screwed up as I think it is. It's good that I can identify what my problems are, even if I don't have a clue what to do about them. The problems are not the problem, believe it or not, it's finding a solution to them.

So in answer to my question (So what the hell is this all about?) - I don't really know. In fact, I don't really have a clue why I decided to ramble about Me, Myself & It today because I plainly don't have any answers to my questions. The idea was to have everything in black and white and try to make sense of it.

Ah well, I had good intentions at any rate....

Oh! Wot's occurring?

Oi oi! Tara yer! So I know itz bin like, months since I blogged like, but to be 'onest itz been a funny ol yer so far like, innit? Anyways, I fort I berra try and ger somefink posted like, ovverwize I'm never ever goin to get back on the blogwagon, like innit?

Not much 'as bin 'appenin in the last few months to be 'onest, but that don't mean I can't blog like, do it? I mean, nothing much was 'appening when I first started bloggin last yer, but I still did it, like, didn't I?

Of course, when I started this bloggy fing last October it sorta took a while to ger settled like, but I soon found me feet and by the end ov the first month I was well and truly gettin stuck in. I was really enjoyin meself like, you knoworrimean? Then November came and I was like, ohmigod! I'm bloggin AND NaNoin' this month - duckin 'ell! I 'onestly fort I was screwed - I mean, bluddy 'ell, I'm a duckin nightmare when it comes to writin stuff and stayin on track like, how the 'ell was I goin to keep up wiv bloggin evry day AND write 50,000 words at the same time???

Anyways, me being me, like, I cheated for one ov the weeks and did requests. I asked evryone to leave suggestions for blog topics and I promised to use the first suggestion ov the day for the next day's blog like, innit? It worked a treat, actually, and it was sorta cool becoz I didn't have to worry abou thinkin ov fings to blog about.

Anyways, that's when I first did me Taffing - during the requests week - and I 'ad such a larf doin Taff for you all that I fort I'd do my blog in Taff speak today, like, innit? To be 'onest, I luvs doin the Taffing fing on yer coz ... well.... I dunno why I likes it really, I just do. It's like, I dunno, strange really I suppose, but at the end ov the day I just fink it's lush to blog in Taff speak. Youknowzitmakezsense like, innit?

Of course, I'm like runnin true to form today coz this blog is not really a propa blog, itz just me ramblin as per normal, but hey, I'm not bovvered to be 'onest. I mean, a Taffy ramble is berra than a blank blog any day I say, wouldn't you agree? Then again, maybe I is just deludin meself. Eiver way, I'm not worried coz at the end ov the day, a blog's a blog, like, innit? Issallgood.

I suppose I decided to blog today becoz I is feelin on top ov the world at the moment. For peeps like me who struggles somefink chronic wiv their weight, you will understand why I is like duckin chuffed to beanz at the moment. I have bin trying to lose some major poundage lately like, innit. Anyways, I av now lost 34lbs - which is like, awesome in itself like, but itz not wot made me feel all fizzy. I was sorting threw me cloves earlier like, coz I was lookin for somefink to wear to a family chrissnin on the weekend. I was well ducked off coz the dress I wanted to wear like was too bluddy big. I mean, yeah, it was well wicked that it was too big becoz that means that my weight loss is coming off in inches aswellas poundage, but it meant that I had duck all to wear this Sunday. Wottta nightmare!!

Anyways, I finally found somefink to wear  (a little black skirt - in true Kairdiff Slag fashion - a nice red blouse, and knee high boots - bangin!), but I also realised that I ad to gerrid ov nearly all ov my jeans. Wicked! I've like, dropped TWO sizes! How duckin awesome is that! I is well chuffed like, innit?

Anyways, I'm gonna wrap it up about yer I fink. I mean, there wasn't really a solid subject today, but bin as it's me like, there's nofink new there like, innit? Itz bin quite funny typin this, so I 'ope it amuzes a few of you peeps when you reads it like. If not, then it don't marrer like, coz at the end ov the day, nobody's making you read anyfink you don't want to, so itzuptoyou to be 'onest annallat, innit? Youknowzitmakezsense.

Catch you later, clarts and clits!

(Oh - and much as I wish that the piccie I used was ov me, itz not. But although it aint me like, that IS wot my old jeans look like on me, so I fort it'd do the job nicely like, innit? Sorted.)

Dead (Wo)man Rising

Okay, so technically I haven't been dead - at least, not physically at any rate - but I have been in a sort of Limbo since New Year's Eve, so the title of today's blog does make sense. I've popped in on a handful of occasions in the past several weeks, but I have not done anything more than flick through a few of my earlier blogs in an attempt to remind myself that yes, I have always been mad, and yes, I do actually like to write (ramble).

Chemicals and hormones are funny things, aren't they? I'm told that most forms of depression can be, if not fixed, then helped, by medication that will help to restore imbalances and deficiencies in certain hormones and chemicals in the brain. Obviously this is true, or our doctors would not prescribe them. Speaking of which, when my doctor prescribed me my anti-depressants, she asked me if I had any suicidal tendencies. In the midst of my blurry and stressed out brain, I found this extremely funny, albeit in a dark and twisted way. I mean honestly, if I were having suicidal thoughts, and had decided that overdosing on happy pills was the way to go, would I admit to this? I mean, seriously?

Anywho, getting back to what I was saying, these tablets are supposed to help. Maybe I was expecting too much, too soon, but frankly I didn't see any change at all. Still, they allowed me to sleep for a few hours, which I suppose can only be a good thing.

I suppose the point I am making (or trying to make) is that there doesn't seem to be anything out there to help people who are depressed for entirely different reasons than the people who are termed as 'clinically depressed'. Most people with clinical depression generally won't be able to tell you why they feel like crap every day, they just do. Sure, there is usually a root to the problem, maybe an abused chilhood, or perhaps the death of a loved one. Maybe the depression is rooted in a severe lack of personal confidence. It doesn't really matter what the root is (and I am in no way trying to belittle any of these reasons), the end result is the same - clinical depression.

But for others, there is usually a current 'traumatic' situation involved. Some situations might be more upsetting than others, and some people deal with these situations in different ways. When I lost my daughter ten years ago I was extremely upset, depressed, and basically out of my tree for a long, long time. But I still functioned. I still ate and slept, I was able to care for my young son, and I was able to participate in general everyday life. My recent circumstances can in no way be compared to the loss of my daughter, yet, much to my astonishment I might add, I completely shut down. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat - heck, some days I couldn't speak. It's really odd how we each deal with life's inevitable blows. On the upside, I have managed to lose 20lbs in weight which, although not through the result of healthy dieting, is probably the highlight of the last seven weeks.

I am starting to feel better now, though I have to add that this has nothing to do with those happy pills. I'm sure anti-depressants are absolutely perfect for some people, and I'm equally sure that a lot of people are thankful for them, but they are not for me.

Incidentally, I noticed that I was given an award last week. Well, I noticed that CC had posted on my blog to tell me at any rate. I am easing my way slowly back into Blogland, and my next post - whenever that may be - will be addressing this (wonderful and surprising) bit of news, as well as doing my bit in keeping the award alive by passing it on.

Lastly, a quick hello to Marian, who posted recently and reminded me (far better than re-reading my earlier blog entries) that I AM  writer, and, more importantly, that I am a writer that needs to get back to writing. Thank you Marian. *hugs*

And that's it for today. I will be back soonish....