Warning - Some posts may cause choking, spitting of beverage and /or a severe giggle fit. This advice brought to you by regular reader Louisa.

Thursday, 18 February 2010

Dead (Wo)man Rising

Okay, so technically I haven't been dead - at least, not physically at any rate - but I have been in a sort of Limbo since New Year's Eve, so the title of today's blog does make sense. I've popped in on a handful of occasions in the past several weeks, but I have not done anything more than flick through a few of my earlier blogs in an attempt to remind myself that yes, I have always been mad, and yes, I do actually like to write (ramble).

Chemicals and hormones are funny things, aren't they? I'm told that most forms of depression can be, if not fixed, then helped, by medication that will help to restore imbalances and deficiencies in certain hormones and chemicals in the brain. Obviously this is true, or our doctors would not prescribe them. Speaking of which, when my doctor prescribed me my anti-depressants, she asked me if I had any suicidal tendencies. In the midst of my blurry and stressed out brain, I found this extremely funny, albeit in a dark and twisted way. I mean honestly, if I were having suicidal thoughts, and had decided that overdosing on happy pills was the way to go, would I admit to this? I mean, seriously?

Anywho, getting back to what I was saying, these tablets are supposed to help. Maybe I was expecting too much, too soon, but frankly I didn't see any change at all. Still, they allowed me to sleep for a few hours, which I suppose can only be a good thing.

I suppose the point I am making (or trying to make) is that there doesn't seem to be anything out there to help people who are depressed for entirely different reasons than the people who are termed as 'clinically depressed'. Most people with clinical depression generally won't be able to tell you why they feel like crap every day, they just do. Sure, there is usually a root to the problem, maybe an abused chilhood, or perhaps the death of a loved one. Maybe the depression is rooted in a severe lack of personal confidence. It doesn't really matter what the root is (and I am in no way trying to belittle any of these reasons), the end result is the same - clinical depression.

But for others, there is usually a current 'traumatic' situation involved. Some situations might be more upsetting than others, and some people deal with these situations in different ways. When I lost my daughter ten years ago I was extremely upset, depressed, and basically out of my tree for a long, long time. But I still functioned. I still ate and slept, I was able to care for my young son, and I was able to participate in general everyday life. My recent circumstances can in no way be compared to the loss of my daughter, yet, much to my astonishment I might add, I completely shut down. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat - heck, some days I couldn't speak. It's really odd how we each deal with life's inevitable blows. On the upside, I have managed to lose 20lbs in weight which, although not through the result of healthy dieting, is probably the highlight of the last seven weeks.

I am starting to feel better now, though I have to add that this has nothing to do with those happy pills. I'm sure anti-depressants are absolutely perfect for some people, and I'm equally sure that a lot of people are thankful for them, but they are not for me.

Incidentally, I noticed that I was given an award last week. Well, I noticed that CC had posted on my blog to tell me at any rate. I am easing my way slowly back into Blogland, and my next post - whenever that may be - will be addressing this (wonderful and surprising) bit of news, as well as doing my bit in keeping the award alive by passing it on.

Lastly, a quick hello to Marian, who posted recently and reminded me (far better than re-reading my earlier blog entries) that I AM  writer, and, more importantly, that I am a writer that needs to get back to writing. Thank you Marian. *hugs*

And that's it for today. I will be back soonish....


  1. Awww I love you as a writer!! you're my fav writer. I'd buy everything you write if you decide to go commercial!!

  2. I am extremely glad that you are starting to feel better, and it's wonderful to see you back, Tara! You are an amazing writer, and I have absolutely no doubt that you will be glad (as will the rest of us) that you decided to pick it up again.

    *big hugs*

  3. Tara-I'm not sure what quacks they've got you seeing, but episodic depression is a common and normal response to loss, overwhelming stress, even sometimes big 'ups' (birth of a baby) because we can't meet our own expectations on how we 'should' feel. I'm glad you've seen someone, and far MORE glad you are starting to feel better.

    And DEFINITELY keep writing. Even if it is nothing you ever share, it is a great channeling, and you have amazing talent. I want your book ready for the Amazon contest next year, if you haven't already found a publisher!

  4. I am glad you are starting to feel better, Tara.

    My mom suffers from episodic depression too, and it is one of the most horrible things that can happen to anyone. I mean, you have all those people telling you to pull yourself together, you want to, but you just can't!!!!

    What you are doing is a sure sign that you are getting out of it. Being able to make plans is the first sign that you are on a definite upswing.

    Take care, and love you lots.

  5. Ana - I'll hold you to that! Though honestly, if I am lucky enough to get my NaNo published, you'll be one of the people that'll get a free copy from me anyway. *glomples*

    Mari - it's good to BE back, even if it's not fully back as of yet :) It's definitely nice to be talking to you guys again. I knew I'd missed all this, but didn't realise how much. *hugs back*

    Tami - I just saw my GP. I've been advised to take some counselling, but I don't have the money for that so I'll just keep plodding on my own. I've got a ton of friends and family supporting me, not to mention the HUGE amount of support you guys give me. As for the Amazon contest, I'm really hoping that I won't need it, but it's good to know that there are other options. I'm determined to get published this year and I'm not going to let any doubts get in the way. Positive thinking and all that...

    Natasha - Yeah, I'm definitely heading into an 'up' phase, though as my latest 'down' was the worst I've ever experienced, I'm pretty sure that it will be a while before I am truly feeling fully better. I've never been a planner though, so my five month plan is a very good sign that things will looking up for me in the next few months. Have to find that silver lining, eh?

    *hugs everyone*

  6. 灰心是動搖的開端,動搖是失敗的近鄰。..................................................

  7. Ok - now that a suitable amount of time has passed, I can add my teensy bit - because you DO KNOW that your talent can't be suppressed - & you've got Tami & Natasha et al encouraging in the 'deadline' sense (sorry, poor joke) and I will always tell you wot a stellar Kairdiff Slag you ARE. So all of us rooting is just a reminder that your inner spirit will emerge in its own time. And it's been a hugely challenging winter - and I won't go into the other personal stuff but I know about emotional vampires & how they make our efforts to get back on our feet all the more difficult. What the shrinks call poor self image can sometimes simply be attributed to an outside non-believer while the inside princess is biding her time.
    I'm gong to send you a silly thing (on facebook) but keep on keeping on, Girl, you & I and all of us know you WILL get published this year.