Dead (Wo)man Rising

Okay, so technically I haven't been dead - at least, not physically at any rate - but I have been in a sort of Limbo since New Year's Eve, so the title of today's blog does make sense. I've popped in on a handful of occasions in the past several weeks, but I have not done anything more than flick through a few of my earlier blogs in an attempt to remind myself that yes, I have always been mad, and yes, I do actually like to write (ramble).

Chemicals and hormones are funny things, aren't they? I'm told that most forms of depression can be, if not fixed, then helped, by medication that will help to restore imbalances and deficiencies in certain hormones and chemicals in the brain. Obviously this is true, or our doctors would not prescribe them. Speaking of which, when my doctor prescribed me my anti-depressants, she asked me if I had any suicidal tendencies. In the midst of my blurry and stressed out brain, I found this extremely funny, albeit in a dark and twisted way. I mean honestly, if I were having suicidal thoughts, and had decided that overdosing on happy pills was the way to go, would I admit to this? I mean, seriously?

Anywho, getting back to what I was saying, these tablets are supposed to help. Maybe I was expecting too much, too soon, but frankly I didn't see any change at all. Still, they allowed me to sleep for a few hours, which I suppose can only be a good thing.

I suppose the point I am making (or trying to make) is that there doesn't seem to be anything out there to help people who are depressed for entirely different reasons than the people who are termed as 'clinically depressed'. Most people with clinical depression generally won't be able to tell you why they feel like crap every day, they just do. Sure, there is usually a root to the problem, maybe an abused chilhood, or perhaps the death of a loved one. Maybe the depression is rooted in a severe lack of personal confidence. It doesn't really matter what the root is (and I am in no way trying to belittle any of these reasons), the end result is the same - clinical depression.

But for others, there is usually a current 'traumatic' situation involved. Some situations might be more upsetting than others, and some people deal with these situations in different ways. When I lost my daughter ten years ago I was extremely upset, depressed, and basically out of my tree for a long, long time. But I still functioned. I still ate and slept, I was able to care for my young son, and I was able to participate in general everyday life. My recent circumstances can in no way be compared to the loss of my daughter, yet, much to my astonishment I might add, I completely shut down. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat - heck, some days I couldn't speak. It's really odd how we each deal with life's inevitable blows. On the upside, I have managed to lose 20lbs in weight which, although not through the result of healthy dieting, is probably the highlight of the last seven weeks.

I am starting to feel better now, though I have to add that this has nothing to do with those happy pills. I'm sure anti-depressants are absolutely perfect for some people, and I'm equally sure that a lot of people are thankful for them, but they are not for me.

Incidentally, I noticed that I was given an award last week. Well, I noticed that CC had posted on my blog to tell me at any rate. I am easing my way slowly back into Blogland, and my next post - whenever that may be - will be addressing this (wonderful and surprising) bit of news, as well as doing my bit in keeping the award alive by passing it on.

Lastly, a quick hello to Marian, who posted recently and reminded me (far better than re-reading my earlier blog entries) that I AM  writer, and, more importantly, that I am a writer that needs to get back to writing. Thank you Marian. *hugs*

And that's it for today. I will be back soonish....