Upsell in a Nutshell

*dusts off blog*

So I've been in the doldrums lately, what with one thing and another, so I figured it was time for a silly post. With that in mind, I've tracked down Ima Nutcase, the elusive reporter from The Daily Ramble, and got her to interview yours truly...


Hello everyone! Ima Nutcase here, and I have another exclusive interview with the Taffiest of authors, Tara Smith, who writes under the pen name of Amber T. Smith. The last time we caught up with Ms Smith was just over a year ago, when I was sadly misinformed of her premature death. As much as a journalist strives to report only the absolute truth, it seems I was duped into writing a false article, and though it pains me to retract my words (professional pride and all), I am also very happy to discover that Ms Smith is alive and well. And apparently still 23 years old. Note to self: must discover how this lady has stayed 23 for the three years in which I have been interviewing her.

Without further ado, here's the interview!

Ima: Good evening, Tara! It's been a while since we last chatted - tell me, what's been happening this last year?

Tara: Well, I got my book published a few months ago, which was nice! I'm pretty sure I've probably scared the people who have actually bought it, what with the insanely silly plotline, but everyone knew I was nuts anyway, so I'm not overly worried about that...

Ima: Yes. Well. *coughs* That really is great news!!

Tara: Yes, I thought so, too! Of course, I'm not going to be quitting my day job any time soon, but it's a start!

Ima: Indeed. Remind me what your day job is...?

Tara: I work in a covenience store called 'Spar'.

Ima: And your job entails...?

Tara: I work the stock, and serve as a cashier on the tills. And I upsell.

Ima: Excuse me... upsell?

Tara: Would you like to try some lovely scones, madam? Eight for a pound!

Ima: Erm, not at present, thank you all the same. Now then, upselling?

Tara: I have some fresh bananas on offer, madam,would you like any? Only a pound!

Ima: Er...

Tara: I see you're buying gammon, madam. How about a lovely fresh pineapple? On offer for a pound this week!

Ima: I really didn't...

Tara: Crumpets!

Ima: WHAT??

Tara: Only a pound!!

Ima: Well really, this is getting ridiculous...

Tara: What day is it?

Ima: Er, Friday. But what does that - ?

Tara: Would you like to buy a bonus ball for the lottery this Saturday? Two pounds a ticket, fifty pounds if you win, and all proceeds go to the NSPCC!

Ima: *is befuddled*

Tara: No? Don't like your chances? Well, for that same two pounds, you could have TWO punnets of strawberries! Only a POUND each! Bargain!

Ima: Look, I really only came here for an interview...

Tara: Nooooo! I have to upsell! It's in my contract! *eyes glaze over*

Ima: *starts to back away*

Tara: Plums! Only a pound!

Ima: *makes mental note to avoid crazy Taffy woman in the future*

Tara: Wait! You can't go yet!You haven't bought any Frazzles! Six packets for a pound!

Ima: I DON'T WANT ANY FRAZZLES!

Clearly, Ms Smith has lost the plot. Whether she regains her sanity remains to be seen, but I'm afraid this reporter is beating a hasty retreat. This is Ima Nutcase, reporting for The Daily...oh my giddyauntie, she's chasing me now!!!

Ima: *runs*

Tara: *chases reporter* We still have 350 packets of Hot Cross Buns! Just buy one packet...please! Only a pound! *cackles madly*

Original image

It's All About The Pineapple

"Would you like a pineapple for £1?"

This is what I have to ask every customer that I serve while I am at work. Only for this week, you understand. We have to 'upsell' a different product every week, and this week is the turn of the pineapple. Usually we roll our eyes when we find out what the product is, but for some reason this one makes me laugh. In fact, I laugh practically every time that I say it. Trouble is, the customers usually laugh right back (which in itself isn't actually a bad thing), but then decline the fabulous opportunity to buy some exotic fruit.

We had to upsell pineapples around a year ago too (obviously The People Upstairs - i.e. those who have no clue about what it is like to work with the general public -  have these upselling items on some sort of schedule), and they didn't sell very well then, either.

I usually buy whatever the current upsell is - sometimes more than one if it is something I will use - so I dutifully bought a pineapple yesterday. I'm not sure yet what to do with it. Sure, I could go the normal route and eat it, but the girls are coming over Friday night for an evening of drink and silliness, so the possibilities are endless.

Ok, maybe not endless, but last year, as coincidence would have it, the girls (and guys) came over for drinkies the same week we had pineapples for upselling too, and we did this:

*shifty*

Still, as much as pineapples make me giggle (for no specific reason), at least it's not as bad as last week, when we had crumpets. Now, for you to understand why crumpets were so bad, you need to know two things. One, for those of you not in the UK, crumpets are otherwise known as English muffins - you toast them and smother them in lovely, lovely butter. But the key reason why they were a bad upsell is point number two - in Britain, 'crumpet' is a slang word for sex. So every time I asked someone if they wanted any crumpets for £1, well... you can imagine. It should be noted, too, that the majority of our customers are men. Of a certain age. Really, the joke wore thin after the first ten minutes.

Next week it's 'Snickers'. 69p each, or two for £1. Oh, joy.

Image self-taken. Obviously. *snort*