Friday, 9 April 2010
Me, Myself & It.
Today's blog title is, unsurprisingly, referring to me, your humble blogger. I'm naturally inclined to be depressed, though I try my best to be upbeat as much as I possibly can. The 'Me', 'Myself', and 'It' I'm referring to are actually the three versions of me that make up the complete Tara. I'm mostly in the 'It' zone at the moment, and I thought that defining my three personalities on today's blog might help me on my way towards being 'Me' again, which is the version of Tara I like best. If you're still reading, this would be the time to hit that back button before you get sucked into the black hole that is my murky mind.
This is the best version of Tara, definitely. This is the version that wrote wacky blogs for two solid months and somehow managed to make people laugh. This is the me that made a bunch of wonderful friends online through writing (mostly mediocre) Harry Potter fan fiction. This is the me that has such a filthy mind that she snorts and giggles at the silliest of things and usually gets raised eyebrows in return. This is the me that makes typos and boken keboaz the funniest things in the world. This is the me who glomps everyone and wiggles her eyebrows suggestively at the merest hint of smut. This is the me that believes that she's not the fattest, ugliest, or least talented or boring woman on the planet. This is the me that believes that one day she will be recognised as an author by more than her closest friends. This is definitely the me that I want to be.
Onto slightly darker stuff now. This version of me thinks that everything she does is crap. This version of me looks in a mirror and sees nothing but fat staring back at her. This version of me has bags under her eyes so big that she could pack luggage for a family of four for a round the world cruise. This version of me lies awake most nights even though she is so exhausted she should be snoring her head off. This version of me doubts everything, from her writing to her looks. This version of me wants to crawl into a corner and hibernate for at least the next century. This version of me doesn't want to eat, sleep, talk.... well, doesn't want to do anything really. Apathy is not Tara's friend, no sirree.
Then again, as much as I hate it when 'Myself' comes for a visit, I would far rather feel lethargic than play host to 'It', who unfortunately seems to be appearing far more regularly than she used to, and usually follows a period of 'Myselfness'.
Now for anyone still reading, I applaud you. I also warn you that this is the part that gets darker than Anakin Skywalker's trusty helmet. When I titled today's blog, it might have been more technically accurate to call it 'Me, Myself & I', but make no mistake, it wasn't a typo that I thought to leave as it was and run with it. I purposely chose 'It' because an 'It' is exactly how I'd describe this third version of me. It's an 'It' because I don't recognise any part of this version as being part of Tara. This version of me is paranoid, obsessive, destructive, angry, defeated, bitchy, tearful (well, 'sobful' would be a better term but that's not a real word), edgy and nervous. This version of me constantly has a foot tapping or a finger twitching, and is usually found to be staring into space (when she's not sobbing like a baby, that is). This version of me doesn't know what the hell she's doing half of the time. This version of me is damaging, no question.
So What The Hell Is This All About?
If I pretend that these versions are somebody else I can be objective. Logically I know that when 'It' comes for a visit, that's all it will be - a visit. Granted, usually she outstays her welcome by a longshot, but she definitely goes away at some point. When 'Myself' is in residence it is much the same; she'll stay longer than That Person who leaves the party hours after its finished, but eventually you can get rid of her. Logically I know this. But when it comes to Me, Myself & It, logic doesn't mean diddly squat. Pretending that this three-way Tara is somebody else doesn't really help in the long term.
I'm pleased that I can break all this down - it means that my brain is not as screwed up as I think it is. It's good that I can identify what my problems are, even if I don't have a clue what to do about them. The problems are not the problem, believe it or not, it's finding a solution to them.
So in answer to my question (So what the hell is this all about?) - I don't really know. In fact, I don't really have a clue why I decided to ramble about Me, Myself & It today because I plainly don't have any answers to my questions. The idea was to have everything in black and white and try to make sense of it.
Ah well, I had good intentions at any rate....