I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus

Excuse me? Is that right? I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus? What's up with that?  It's a song title (or maybe a book title, or possibly a movie title, but definitely a title of something), and as titles go, it's a little unnerving. I mean, if I picked it apart, it's actually downright disturbing.

For a start, this is obviously a title from a child's perspective, and a young child at that. Why? Well, once a child reaches nine or ten, Santa Claus is a nonentity. Santa becomes one of those mythical people that the adults in your life hold up as an example in order to induce good behaviour. By the time you are ten, Santa has joined the Easter Bunny, The Bogey Man, and the Tooth Fairy in the world of We Only Exist To Bribe Young Children Into Being Good And Going To Sleep At A Reasonable Hour.

Not only that, but unless you have a double-barrelled name, a horsy profile and a plummy voice, 'mommy' (or the more commonly used 'mummy') is never uttered past the age of ten. At age ten, most mothers are reduced to being called 'mum', 'mom', or even nothing at all, just a slovenly grunt.

So yes, this was a young child's perspective.  Now, to have a child under the age of ten, a mother who is under the age of forty is usually a given. There are exceptions to this rule, but more often than not we are looking at a parent who is between the ages of 25 and 35.

Santa (even though he's obviously not real) is around eighty, right? At least. I mean, okay, we don't actually know his real age, but given that he has a snowy white beard, rosy cheeks (too much mulled wine perhaps?) and more than his fair share of middle-aged spread, I think it's safe to assume that eighty is a reasonable guess on his age. (If we were to judge his age by the amount of years he has been spreading Christmas cheer, then I'm pretty sure he would be a couple of centuries old, but for the sake of trying to be a little bit sensible, I will stick with eighty, not least because a double-centenary aged feller getting it on with a 35 year old is more than a little icky).

My point is (yes! I DO have a point!), what the hell was an octogenarian doing kissing the mother of some poor innocent child? And why the hell was this child  happy enough to write a song/produce a movie/write a book about it? I mean, I know May and December romances can be sweet and everything, and I'm all for everyone having the freedom of choice, but Santa? Santa?

What about Mrs Claus? Round, jolly, Mrs Claus who looks after the elves, feeds the reindeer, and bakes endless mince pies (Santa's belly has to be filled with something)? Santa should totally be ashamed of himself! What on earth would happen if Mrs Claus found out, that's what I'd like to know. She's obviously a sensible sort, she has to be, doesn't she? Santa is obviously far too busy eating those pies and drinking buckets of mulled wine to be able to watch over the millions of children all over the world. And as for the actual presents, well.... show me a man who can wrap presents, and I'll show you the woman who really does it. I'm positive than men are equally up to the task of cutting paper, rolling it around a present, and sticking some sellotape on it. I'm not saying that they are inept at it at all. They just don't like it.  They will inevitably ask their wife/mother/sister/girlfriend/daughter to take over the wrapping duties nine times out of ten. Santa will be no different. *nods wisely*

So, being the sensible sort of woman that she is, Mrs Claus, when finding out about her husband's infidelity, will, and quite rightly I might add, divorce Santa faster than you can say Jingle Bells. It's a foregone conclusion, obviously.

That will never do!

So listen up Kid With The Mother Who Brazenly Snogs Santa - don't sing about it! Or write a book about it! Or make a movie about it! Leave well alone! Think of poor Mrs Claus, she doesn't deserve this! And your 'mommy' could certainly do better than an old lecher who eats all of the pies! Got it? Got it? Next time you see mommy smooching with an old man with a white beard**, pull them apart, damn it! Avoid a catastrophe! Save Christmas!!

** a) If white-bearded old man is Gandalf of Middle Earth, turn a blind eye. The poor man hasn't seen any action in centuries, and isn't married either. Give the poor man a break.

     b) If white-bearded man is Albus Dumbledore of Potterverse, then I wouldn't worry at all. He's definitely not married, plus I have it on good authority that he usually only kisses men with the initials G.G. If he's kissing your mom/mum, it's obviously a dare of some kind (unless her name is Georgie Glewbadoo, is your adoptive mother, and used to be a man, in which case your problems are only just beginning, and would actually be quite a good basis for a song/book/movie title now that I think about it).

And that's my advice this Christmas Eve. I'm going now. And don't forget, no kissing the old man in the red suit!!