Warning - Some posts may cause choking, spitting of beverage and /or a severe giggle fit. This advice brought to you by regular reader Louisa.

Monday, 21 December 2009

Thank You

Dear Amber,

It's your sister's birthday today. Believe it or not, she's eight. I can't believe how fast the time has flown. You would have been approaching your tenth birthday if you were still here. We probably would have been discussing the plans for the party, what you would wear, and how you would style your hair, just as I have done with your sister. I'm pretty sure you would have had long blond hair too, and I bet it would have had that little kink to it, making it curl slightly at the ends.

Would your eyes have been blue like your brother, or brown like your sister? Either way, they would have been sparking with the Smith mischief, without a doubt. Sometimes I wonder what your personality would have been like, but I've always been convinced that you would have been as stubborn as me, just like your brother and sister are. You'd have inherited your father's sense of humour too.

I wanted to say thank you. I carried you for such a short time, and we never had the chance to get to know each other, but you're with me every day. I couldn't give you the promise of birthdays to look forward too,  I couldn't give you kisses and hugs every morning.  Your brother gave you your name in lieu of sibling rivalry, and I gave you my name too, so that we would always have something to share. It wasn't anywhere near what I wanted to give you, but it was all I had.

You gave me Ellie. Without you, I wouldn't have a daughter celebrating her birthday today. Without you, I wouldn't have a little girl who brings joy and exasperation in equal measures. Your tiny shot at life may have only lasted a few months, but those months paved the way to my family being complete.

So as I celebrate your sister's birthday today, always remember that I am thinking of you too, just as I think of you every day. Your footprints are displayed just as proudly as the pictures of your brother and sister, and your name is never far from my mind. Thank you for completing my family.

Love Mum xxx

In memory of my first daughter, Amber Marie Smith, who was born on September 26th 1999, and taken from us the very same day.


  1. Tara - this made me cry. It was both so beautiful and so sad. Thanks for sharing, and for remining me of the fact that there are things a lot more important than what has been occupying my mind lately - stupid thesis. *hugs Tara*

  2. Aww, thanks Mari. *hugs back* Amber has been my good luck charm this year, and I wanted to say thank you to her in my own little way. It was horrendous to go through, but what I said was true. If Amber had survived, I wouldn't have gone on to have Ellie. That's something to always be thankful for :)

  3. *clings forever*

    My brother was born on September 26th too :) I'm going to think of Amber too! <3

    Waaaah I love you and I hope Ellie has a great birthday <3


  4. Tara, this was so beautiful! I lost my nephew a little over a year ago, and this has reminded me to be thankful for the joy he brought to my life in the short year that he was on this earth. So thank you for that. *tears*

  5. Athu (or at least I THINK it's Athu), thank you so much! A very happy birthday to your brother too :) *glomps*

    Marjorie - *hugs* The death of a child is something you never really recover from, but we HAVE to take something positive from it if we can, or we'll never move forward. It is only now, ten years after it happened, that I am actually able to speak about my daughter without losing it completely. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to cope with, but seeing Ellie growing up is a big comfort. Kids should never die before their parents, it's just not natural. I'm sorry for your family's loss. *hugs*

  6. Now you've done it. I'm a sniveling mess! I think you are absolutely right though, to look at those truly profound losses and see what they have brought us that is GOOD.

    *huggles Tara*

  7. Tara, this got tears to my eyes. You have told me about Amber, but this letter was really beautifully written.
    *wipes away tear*

  8. Maybe I just want you THINK I'm Athu. Maybe I'm really a creepy stalker stalking your blog ;)