Warning - Some posts may cause choking, spitting of beverage and /or a severe giggle fit. This advice brought to you by regular reader Louisa.

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

*is re-telling LotR in Taff-speak*

A lon time ago like, there was this place called Middle Urf, and in this Middle Urf there was like, lots and lots ov bangin fings 'appening. Well, mostly they was only bangin if you was called Sow-Ron and 'ad a big freaky eye, but that's besides the point like, innit?

Anywayz, this dude Sow-Ron was a bit of a brick, ifyouknowzwhatImean, coz he, like, wanted to rule the whole ov Middle Urf. To be 'onest, I'm not shore how he planned to do this becoz, well, at the end of the day, he was only this great big freaky eye. I mean, he had, like, no body or nuffink! He did have a clart who spoke for him (he was called the Mouf ov Sow-Ron), but 'onestly, he wasn't anyfink speshal - and sorta fugly ifyouknowswhatImean.

Luckily, there was this wizard called Gandalf who, like, gottogevver a fellowship ov clarts and led them on a quest to save Middle Urf. These clarts were a bit strange like, though. I mean, there was this really hunky dude wiv a beard (all the women wanted to be his slag), another notsohunky dude wiv a beard, a ginger dworf, an elf bloke (who fort he was bangin, but was mostly mistaken), and four little clarts wiv 'airy feet.

If you fink this is weird so far, then fink again. Get this, like - apparently, to gerrid of the dude with the freaky eye, you 'ad to destroy his rin. The fing is, without his rin, Sow-Ron was pretty ducked, so the fellowship's plan was to melt the rin in the cracks of Mount Doom. Coz obviously there was no uvver way to destroy this rin like, or there wouldn't be this need for a quest, like, innit?

The fellowship ran into trouble all overthaplace;  first the wizard got his butt whipped by this balrog fing, and then the notsohunky dude got himself skewered by some orcs ('onestly, it was the best fing for 'im in my pinion). The rest ov the clarts got separated into free clart cliques after that, which I fink was mostly to stretch the story out so it could become a trilogy. Youknowzitmakezsense!

The first clique was a pair ov the clarts with 'airy feet - I fink this was mostly becoz alot of peeps couldn't tell 'em apart, so it was best to keep them togevver. The second group was the hunky dude wiv a beard, the ginger dworf, and the elfy bloke. The last group was a second pair of clarts wiv 'airy feet, only this pair contained the lame clart wiv the massiv eyes and the clart who liked powtatoes (and they was also carrying the rin, like).

Round about 'ere, anovver characta joins the story, and his name was Gollum, like. He was a little bit strange too like, coz he used to be one ov those clarts wiv the 'airy feet, but after spending alot of yers wiv Sow-Ron's rin, he gorra little bit ducked up in the 'ed, anallat. Anywayz, this Gollum turns up and joins the clarts who 'as the rin wiv them. Gollum wants the rin back, you see, so he don't want the clarts wiv the 'airy feet to chuck the rin into Mount Doom. To be 'onest, he's pretty ducked off wiv the clarts wiv the 'airy feet and is mostly there just to duck up their plans. Issallgood though coz it, like, adds to the story, dunnit?

Anywayz, the middle part of the story is just basiclee allabout the free separate groups goin their diffrent ways and doin all sorts of bangin hero-type fings on their way to the climax of the story. Ventually, like, they all ends up in this place called Gondor and they, like, 'as this big battle wiv lots of massiv elefants and fings. Ov course, the good side wins the battle (coz ovverwize the fans might have, like, gone ducking ape wiv the orfur what wrote the story), and the hunky dude wiv the beard - who, it turns out, is like the rightful kin ov Gondor, what a ducking coincidence! - leads his army to the Black Gate. Now, the Black Gate is like this massiv entrance to Sow-Ron's lair, and the hunky dude wiv the beard has plans to elp the clarts wiv the 'airy feet by givin them extra time so that they can frow the rin into Mount Doom. Youstillwivme?

The hunky dude wiv a beard faces the Mouf ov Sow-Ron and like, chops 'is 'ed off (which was a duckin awesum way to kill 'im in my pinion). Now, this sorta pisses Sow-Ron off like, coz now he aint gorra clart who can be 'is spokesperson. So the Black Gates open up and, like, millions of orcs start marching towards the army of the good side. At this point, I gerra little bit confoosed with the Braveheart movie, coz the hunky dude gives this big rousing speech which is alot like the speech that William Wallace says in Braveheart, and I always expect the good people of Middle Urf to like, lift their cloves and shake their doo-dahs at the fugly orcs. Sadly, they don't, which is a right ducking shame in my pinion.

Anywayz, round about yer, the lame clart wiv the rin 'as this fight wiv Gollum, and the clart who likes powtatoes manages to split 'em up. Gollum sorta disappears foralittlebit, and the two clarts make their way into Mount Doom, which is bangin coz their timin is like, perfect, coz the hunky dude 'as by now killed that Mouf ov Sow-Ron, but is strugglin wiv this Narzgul (which is kinda like a massiv bird, but way uglier and very ducking nasty, ifyouknowzwhatImean).

The lame clart wiv the rin stumbles to the end ov a path and looks at the fires of Mount Doom, all ready to, like, frow the rin into it. It's, like, WAY dramatic, like, innit! But then Gollum comes back and starts doin this strange dancy-fight fing wiv the lame clart, and ends up bitin his finger off. Obviously the lame clart is a bit ducked off by this turn ov events, like, so he does like this ballet dancing fing and tackles Gollum so he can get the rin back. Duh, duh DUHHHH!

Anywayz, in the middle of fightin, Gollum - who still 'as the rin - sorta slips off the path and starts to fall into the fire, and the lame clart goes over the edge too. At this point, the ovver clart comes back into the scene and manages to pull the lame clart to safety, but only after havin a 'moment', ifyouknowzwhatImean. I fink these two particular clarts was a couple, to be 'onest, but maybe that's just me. *shrugs*

And that's where the story ends, basiclee. I mean, Iknowz I sorta missed alot of stuff out, like, including the elf slags and the torking trees and stuff, but 'onestly, it's not like I 'ad all day to write this yer blog, and to be 'onest, there's only so much you can type in Taff speak before it gets alittlebit, well, alot really, ov a ducking nightmare. So at the end of the day (or story, if you like, like), the rin gets melted down, and apart from those charatas that were killed anallat, they mostly lives 'appily ever afta. Youknowzitmakezsense!

Long live the Fellowship ov the Clarts, thats what I reckon.... issallgood, innit?


  1. HAHAHAHAHAHA omfg this was just friggin' hilarious!!!! I died laughing a zillion times!!!!

  2. You're ducking awesome! Youknowzitmakezsense!
    What a way to celebrate your 100th post! I think I let mine go by in silence if I remember correctly. Made me feel all old and stuff...

  3. Hahaha, Ana, I KNEW you'd be the first to post! *snort* It was fun telling the LotR in Taffish.... I'm going to do another one soon for Harry Potter, and one for Pride & Prejudice too. It's hilarious.... well, for me at any rate. *snort*

    Mari - ha! You're ducking awesome too! And I already feel old, so marking my 100th post was neither here nor there (or anywhere else either).

    I should have probably mentioned something about this being my 100th post though, and that I don't normally blog in Taff speak. I always wonder what the people who stumble in here by mistake think whenever I blog in Taff. *snort* Ah well, issallgood, innit? *snort*

  4. Ugh. I need a "like " buttin here too.
    Absolutely hilarious, Tara. Now I hope you decide to do the H and the P :D

  5. This is what my vote tipped, eh? ;-) Good, 'cause I literally laughed out loud a few times. Taff away, Tara, Taff away! *snort*

  6. Me: hahahahaha! *reads more* hahahahahaha! *reads more* Hahahahahaha!

    Roxanne: Mommy, WHAT are you reading?

  7. BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fabulous, Tara! I love this version! Much better without having to look at the orcs much. *snort* This was beautiful!

  8. I totally luff this, knowwaddimean?

    I'm sure it's not healthy to laugh this loud so close to bedtime (or so far past it, as it closer to the point).

  9. Mel - yeah, a 'Like' buton is severely lacking on Blogger. I need to add something at the bottom of my posts - Mari can have her posts marked as Giraffy - hmmm, wonder how to do that & what to have....

    Leanne - yup, your vote for 'L' sealed the deal. I'll be sure to keep on Taffing....

    Marjorie - Excellent! Not only did you laugh, but your daughter thinks you're probably insane. Excellent news for Taffy Tara. *nods*

    Tami - Once again your suggestion has led to a bit of Taff genius - of all the times I have Taffed, it has only been when YOU have suggested it that it has truly succeeded. *glomps*

    BrioNi - Laughing is healthy no matter what time of day it is. *nods wisely* Glad you luffed it!