Tuesday, 8 June 2010
*is re-telling LotR in Taff-speak*
Luckily, there was this wizard called Gandalf who, like, gottogevver a fellowship ov clarts and led them on a quest to save Middle Urf. These clarts were a bit strange like, though. I mean, there was this really hunky dude wiv a beard (all the women wanted to be his slag), another notsohunky dude wiv a beard, a ginger dworf, an elf bloke (who fort he was bangin, but was mostly mistaken), and four little clarts wiv 'airy feet.
If you fink this is weird so far, then fink again. Get this, like - apparently, to gerrid of the dude with the freaky eye, you 'ad to destroy his rin. The fing is, without his rin, Sow-Ron was pretty ducked, so the fellowship's plan was to melt the rin in the cracks of Mount Doom. Coz obviously there was no uvver way to destroy this rin like, or there wouldn't be this need for a quest, like, innit?
The fellowship ran into trouble all overthaplace; first the wizard got his butt whipped by this balrog fing, and then the notsohunky dude got himself skewered by some orcs ('onestly, it was the best fing for 'im in my pinion). The rest ov the clarts got separated into free clart cliques after that, which I fink was mostly to stretch the story out so it could become a trilogy. Youknowzitmakezsense!
Round about 'ere, anovver characta joins the story, and his name was Gollum, like. He was a little bit strange too like, coz he used to be one ov those clarts wiv the 'airy feet, but after spending alot of yers wiv Sow-Ron's rin, he gorra little bit ducked up in the 'ed, anallat. Anywayz, this Gollum turns up and joins the clarts who 'as the rin wiv them. Gollum wants the rin back, you see, so he don't want the clarts wiv the 'airy feet to chuck the rin into Mount Doom. To be 'onest, he's pretty ducked off wiv the clarts wiv the 'airy feet and is mostly there just to duck up their plans. Issallgood though coz it, like, adds to the story, dunnit?
Anywayz, the middle part of the story is just basiclee allabout the free separate groups goin their diffrent ways and doin all sorts of bangin hero-type fings on their way to the climax of the story. Ventually, like, they all ends up in this place called Gondor and they, like, 'as this big battle wiv lots of massiv elefants and fings. Ov course, the good side wins the battle (coz ovverwize the fans might have, like, gone ducking ape wiv the orfur what wrote the story), and the hunky dude wiv the beard - who, it turns out, is like the rightful kin ov Gondor, what a ducking coincidence! - leads his army to the Black Gate. Now, the Black Gate is like this massiv entrance to Sow-Ron's lair, and the hunky dude wiv the beard has plans to elp the clarts wiv the 'airy feet by givin them extra time so that they can frow the rin into Mount Doom. Youstillwivme?
The hunky dude wiv a beard faces the Mouf ov Sow-Ron and like, chops 'is 'ed off (which was a duckin awesum way to kill 'im in my pinion). Now, this sorta pisses Sow-Ron off like, coz now he aint gorra clart who can be 'is spokesperson. So the Black Gates open up and, like, millions of orcs start marching towards the army of the good side. At this point, I gerra little bit confoosed with the Braveheart movie, coz the hunky dude gives this big rousing speech which is alot like the speech that William Wallace says in Braveheart, and I always expect the good people of Middle Urf to like, lift their cloves and shake their doo-dahs at the fugly orcs. Sadly, they don't, which is a right ducking shame in my pinion.
The lame clart wiv the rin stumbles to the end ov a path and looks at the fires of Mount Doom, all ready to, like, frow the rin into it. It's, like, WAY dramatic, like, innit! But then Gollum comes back and starts doin this strange dancy-fight fing wiv the lame clart, and ends up bitin his finger off. Obviously the lame clart is a bit ducked off by this turn ov events, like, so he does like this ballet dancing fing and tackles Gollum so he can get the rin back. Duh, duh DUHHHH!
And that's where the story ends, basiclee. I mean, Iknowz I sorta missed alot of stuff out, like, including the elf slags and the torking trees and stuff, but 'onestly, it's not like I 'ad all day to write this yer blog, and to be 'onest, there's only so much you can type in Taff speak before it gets alittlebit, well, alot really, ov a ducking nightmare. So at the end of the day (or story, if you like, like), the rin gets melted down, and apart from those charatas that were killed anallat, they mostly lives 'appily ever afta. Youknowzitmakezsense!
Long live the Fellowship ov the Clarts, thats what I reckon.... issallgood, innit?