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Wednesday, 9 June 2010

*is repeating herself*

When I say I'm repeating myself, I'm half right and half wrong. I'm going to do exactly what I did yesterday (when I Taff-Told the story of the Lord of the Rings), only today I'm going to give you Pride & Prejudice in the style of a Taff. This is because one, I had a pester yesterday via Facebook messaging system that urged me to get back to my fanfic - Pride & Prejudice: Hogwarts Style - and this seemed the next best thing, and two, because I don't seem to be able to come up with any blogging ideas lately. So I therefore present you with....

Pride & Prejudice : Taffing Style

Many yers ago, Britain was not really like it is today on the outside, but if you looked carefully, like, you'd find that the clarts and clits ov 19th century Britain was no diffrent to the clarts and clits ov the Kair of Diff today. Basiclee, everyone wanted to be bangin each ovver, they just was a little bit more polite, like.

Take Lissabuff (no really, take her - she's beggin for it). Lissabuff is clit number two ov five, and she's like so frustrated - obviously - cos there's no decent clarts to be found anywhere in 'er nayberood. She goes to plenty of raves, like, but she's definitely not gerring any action. Her sisters are in the same boat, but nobody is really intrested in them, so we'll skip over 'em, right?

Anywayz, Lissabuff has gorra mad clit for a mum like, and her dad's abirrova nutter too. Not only that, but 'er parents sort of hate each ovver - well, that's what yer supposed to fink, like, but seeing as how they 'ad five doorters so close togevver, they obviously liked each ovver enough to bonk like bunnies earlier in their relayshunship, didn't they? Youknowzitmakezsense. *nods*

Back to Lissabuff, though. One day a new clart movez into the area and creates a birrovva buzz. Now, this is the bit where most people would have fort that the new clart would have bin destined for the main female characta, but don't be a ducking idiot, coz that's not what 'appens! The new clart ends up with Lissabuff's elder sister - I iz not gonna go inta that part ov the tale though coz to be 'onest itz not very intresting. No, the intresting bits are to do wiv Lissabuff and the new clart in the nayberood's best mucker - Mr. Darcee.

Mr. Darcee is a birrovva knob at first. I mean, he's all 'oity and toity and evryfink, so we can sorta see why Lissabuff - even though she's frustrated anallat - don't really take to 'im right away. But seeing as this is a romance novel, it's pretty obvious that they're gonna end up bangin at sum point, so I was never worried, ifyouknowzwhatImean.

Anywayz, they first meet propa like at a rave. Now, back in them days the clits couldn't wear what slags wear today, they 'ad to cover their legs and evryfink. What a ducking nightmare! But, they used their Taff cunning like and made sure that their dresses showed a birrov boobage, coz after all, evryone knowz that all clarts likes a birrov boobage, right?

Lissabuff had more boobage than most, so Mr. Darcee was obviously gonna be trapped fasta than a fly in a spider's web. *nods*

But although it's like way obvious that Darcee loves Lissabuff's boobs, he still acts like a knob and pretends he don't like 'er. It's a clart fing, mostly, you understand. Of course, Lissabuff would have been right ducked off that her boobage didn't entice Darcee to the nearest alley, so she takes offence, like, and decides that she don't like 'im neever. Once a knob, always a knob, innit?

They goez their seprut wayz for a bit, and some boring stuff 'appens wiv her older clit and the clart what's new to the nayberood. Her younger clits also 'aves a birrov scene time too, but they is also a bit boring, like, (apart from Lydia, who is obviously a true Kairdiff Slag who was born yers before her time) so we won't gerrinto too much detail.

Anywayz, ventually the clart what's new to the nayberood moves away coz Darcee tells 'im that Lissabuff's older sista is no good. So off they pop, and that's that. 'Cept Lissabuff also goes away to her newly married friend Charlotte (who actually married one of Lissabuff's sooters - one Mr. Collins, who was the biggest brickhead to ever roam the urf) and ends up meeting with Darcee again.

Now Darcee, who is still acting like a total tit, decides that he can't do wivout Lissabuff's boobage, so he asks her to marry 'im. Only, being a typical bloke, he completely ducks up the proposal like. I mean, he never menshuns Lissabuff's boobage at all, he just witters onabout stupid stuff like 'against 'is better judgement' and stuff. What a knobhead! *rolls eyes* Obviously Lissabuff refuses, speshally when she finds out that it was Darcee's fault that her older clit got her 'eart broken.

Anywayz, they goes their seprut ways again, and nuffink much 'appens for a while. Then Lissabuff goes travelling again (bluddy 'ell, she donalf travel alot, duntshe?) and ends up accidently meeting Darcee again. Now, if I use the movie and not the novel scene for this bit, it's much berra, coz in the movie Lissabuff bumps into Darcee when he is sowking wet after swimmin in his personal lake. Nuffin like a see threw shirt and tight breeches to make a slag change her mind abourra knob, like, innit?

So, wiv her mind now fixed on bangin Darcee, Lissabuff is well chuffed that it looks like Darcee still fancies her. But true to the romance genre, sumfing else 'appens and splits 'em up again. This time itz her younger clit, Lydia, who 'as been a total slag and eloped with the true knob of the story, Mr. Wickham (he waz anovver one of Lissabuff's sooters too, by the way). Bluddy 'ell, I bet that Lissabuff was well ducked off, and probably wished that she didn't have any clits at all!

Anywayz, ventually Darcee acts in a non-knoblike way and saves the day. He like totally forces the clart called Wickham to marry the dopey clit called Lydia, so nobodeez famlees are ruined. Lissabuff finds out allabourit - coz she's a nosy slag at 'eart - and decides that she definitely wants to bang Darcee, and will stop at nuffing to achieve her goal.

Mindful of her plan, as soon as she knowz Darcee is calling at her 'ouse (which she knowz coz her older clit is now affianced to the clart who was new-then-left-then-came-back-to-the-nayberood) she puts on her best boobage-showing dress and takes 'im for a walk.  Obviously, fings work out aroundabou here, mostly becoz it's the last few scenes ov the movie. Basiclee, Darcee and Lissabuff both witter away about stuff for a few minits, Darcee eyes Lissabuff's boobage whilst drooling allova 'is breeches, and Lissabuff gets all 'ot and bovvered coz she's thinking about when they can get to the bangin stage of the relayshunship.

They gets married, like, along wiv her older clit and the clart-who.... sod it, 'is name's Binlee.... and they rides off in carriages to live 'appily ever afta. Course, they 'as a good snoggin first, like, innit?

Youknowzitmakezsense!

13 comments:

  1. Thats is totally brill like. Proper wicked summary and that. No hang on, that's Sarff London I'm doing.

    This Welsholect is harder than one thinks...

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  2. Hahahahahaha. *wipes eyes* Gad. I luvit Tara. I so want you to do audio books, just so I can hear it proper like ;)

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  3. hahaha amazing!! you should get a contract to do it with many movies/books/stories .. you're talented!!!!

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  4. FABULOUS, Tara! I like this version SO much better than the real one... I'm with Mel--you should do these on Audiobooks... or make videos and load them up on YouTube...

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  5. LOL! I loved that miniseries, and now I love it even more. Have a great weekend~ must go dig out that VHS tape... ;o)

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  6. Ever since I read this I have been very concerned with my boobage. For every clart that checks it out, I am all "Is he going to marry me now? But what if he doesn't have five thousand a year?"

    Also - you've gone new! Nice! I like them birdies!

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  7. Have been thinking about re-reading P&P. Now I won't have to. Although Colin Firth with your accent? LOL

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  8. Funny! You would undoubtedly have made my Brit Lit classes more fun, even though I always preferred them to Am!

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  9. Oh, you left comments, too!!

    Irene - thanks!!

    Peggy - Colin Firth with my accent would be hilarious. *snort*

    Leslie - *pictures scene* Wow, teaching literature with a Taff accent... the mind boggles!

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