*is listing*

Another day, another scramble for a subject to blog about, consequently another new label. This one comes under the heading of '10 Things....'

Now, this will possibly join the other intended 'serial' labels such as 'Quick Thought' and 'Mojo Moments' (those labels that I had the vague plan of utilizing at least once a month, for occasions such as today when I can't think of a blog subject), but being a procrastinator also qualifies you for forgotten ideas and neglected projects, so I'm not overly worried.

So.....

10 Things.... Not To Say To A Woman.

1 - Are you pregnant?
Who says it: Normally innocent childlings, though sometimes the hubby is the culprit.
When is it said: Usually just after the person notices just how large your belly has become.
Usual reply:  (Spoken) No. (Thought) Do I ask you if you're pregnanat when your belly extends more than it should? (Note, this response is obviously not meant for the children).

2 - Well, now that you mention it, your bum does look rather big in that....
Who says it: Normally the hubby.
When it is said: After the (stupid) question 'Does my bum look big in this?'
Usual response: (Spoken) Oh, thanks for being so honest. (Thought) You asshole! You're supposed to lie!

3 - I forgot your birthday. sorry!
Who says it: The hubby. (Are you sensing a pattern here?)
When it is said: On your birthday. Obviously.
Usual response:  Stoic silence accompanied by a glacial smile (Thought) Unprintable.

4 - I thought you'd prefer something useful.
Who says it: Take a wild guess.
When it is said: Birthdays and Christmas, usually after you have opened a present that you were hoping to be something nice, but turns out to be a blender or some such thing.
Usual response: (Spoken) Er, thanks. (Thought) Next year I'm buying you a spanner, see how you like it.

5 -  Martha! (Or Jane, or Heather, or indeed any female name at all, except for yours).
Who says it: Hubby/boyfriend/partner.
When it is said: In the throes of passion.
Usual reply: Hitting the person over the head with the nearest blunt instrument. If nothing is to hand, pummeling with fists and persistent screeching will suffice.

6 - Hi love, what's for tea?
Who says it: Do I really need to type this bit anymore?
When it is said: To be honest, every day, but I particularly mean those days when you have had a radical haircut, or something similarly appearance-altering.
Usual response: (Spoken, in moment of pique) Fresh air sandwiches without the bread! (Thought) Are you blind?? I mean, SERIOUSLY??

7 - You missed a bit.
Who says it: Really....I think we're past this now.
When it is said: Usually just as you've finished cleaning the oven, or mopping the floors.
Usual response: (Spoken through gritted teeth) Thanks. (Thought) I don't bloody care if I've missed a bit! No more scrubbing for me, unless it includes wiping that smirk off your face!

8 - I didn't realise the time.
Who says it: Umm, let me think...
When is it said: Usually in the small hours of the morning.
Usual response: A grunt, accompanied by a glare and two raised eyebrows. (Thought) Inner grunt and raising of the eyebrows.

9 - I'm not drunk!
Who says it: Blah blah blah.
When it is said: When they are obviously drunk.
Usual response: Pointed glare, then rolling of the eyes.

10 - I'll phone you.
Who says it: Every single man on the planet (ha! got you there!)
When it is said: Every day, for the most part.
Usual response: Hysterical laughter.


And so endeth the list.

Note: I should tell you that not all of these have happened to me. Most of them, but not all. Just saying, like. In case I needed lawyers or something.