Warning - Some posts may cause choking, spitting of beverage and /or a severe giggle fit. This advice brought to you by regular reader Louisa.

Saturday, 14 November 2009

*is Taffing about deep fine legs*

Oi Oi clarts! Tara yer, about to start today's blog like. Me old mucker, Natasha, suggested I blog about deep fine legs like, while me butt Tami wanted Taffies, so I fort I'd do em both like, innit?

Now, I'm from Kairdiff like, born and bred, but Kairdiff is like only a little way away from the valleys, so we sorta speak a little bit like they do. Taff speak is bangin, coz we like drop our aitches and stuff. We also really like to swear like, innit, coz swearing is bangin. Actually, bangin is bangin too, if you know what I mean, coz we Taffies like a good bonk when we can gerrit like, innit?

Anyway, yer in Kairdiff, most of the girls are slags. Not that I'm meaning to be nasty like, but they just is. Nights on the razzle in Kairdiff town centre are full of slags like, innit, with skirts up their arses and tops down to their nipples. Maybe they aren't slags at all, but most of the fellas round yer seem to fink so. Specially the bimbettes with their deep fine legs constantly angled at quarter past nine, like. Dirty little trollops they are, but we loves it, we do, we loves it.

I used to be a Kairdiff slag too. My skirts used be called belts like, and my uvver alf always said to me that it was me legs that caught his attention in the first place. Actually, I should probably explain, like, that a Kairdiff slag is not like a normal slag, coz normal slags are, well, slags like, innit?  Kairdiff slags just like to wear skimpy clothes like, and aren't propa slags at all.

Over yer, we call our mates 'butt' and 'clart'. And we don't say 'how are you today?', we say, 'wots appening, butt?' We don't say things propa either, coz we roll like three words into one like, and say stuff like wo'youdoin', or backinaminni. We're not able to say our gees like, either. Like, if you wanted to say 'How's it hanging', we would say 'howzithangin'.  I think we're propa lazy like, to be honest, but we don't know better, so s'not our fault like, innit?

Now we cum to the swearin bit. We just love to swear, we do. I'd berra not type what we'd say like, coz the little ankle-biters might read it, but if I use a birrof Taff cunnin like, I can use words that rhyme like, innit? We say duck all the time, like. It's 'duck off' yer and 'duck off' there, and 'for duckssake like, just duck off' everywhere. We just like to say duck (we also like to duck, but that's like anuvver blog, like, innit?). We also say the really orrible words too, like tunt. I don't really like that word, like, but it's like a favorite rood word like for all of the clarts out there.

Anuvver word we says a lot is bluddy. Bluddy this, bluddy that, bluddy everything. And pants too, coz we likes saying pants like, innit? Sometimes it can be a bit confoosing like, specially when we're really pissed off like, coz we end up saying stuff like 'bluddy duck off, you ducking tunt, coz yer doin my duckin hedin', but mostly we is OK coz we all understands each ovver like, innit?

Going back to legs (coz my mucker Natasha might fink I is cheating like), I fort I'd finish this yer blog by rambling a little birrabou legs. I got quite long legs, like, innit, so it's a ducking nightmare when I wants to buy some jeans or somefink. They either too ducking long, or too ducking short, there's no bluddy middle ground. It doezmyhedin!

You might fink that Kairdiff is fullov common clarts like, but although we speaks common like, we're a nice bunch really, like, innit. I love Kairdiff  I do, it's bangin. Sure, there's a few mingers dotted about the place like, but that's the same as anywhere else like, innit? You gorra take the ruff wiv the smoove.

I gorra go now, coz I just cooked a bangin pizza and I'm gunna share it wiv me doorter, coz she loves pizza like. Me son's a birovva nutter though, coz he don't like pizza, so I gorra make him somefink else. Ah well, issallgood, innit?

Later, clarts!

P.S. I was gunna do the spellcheckin fing like I normally do, like, but then I fort what's the bluddy point? It's gunna pick up everyduckingfing, innit?


  1. This blog made my weekend. :)

    It also occurred to me how few books there are in Welsh dialect. Where's the Welsh "Trainspotting?" for example?

    I vote you write the epic Welsh novel that defines Wales in the 21st century. Frankly, the UK's crying out for it! According to the literary brains, there's a HUGE Welsh-shaped hole in the market.

    'Fi wer Welsh like, I'd git bluddy writin' like!

  2. Fanks! I is glad I made yor weekend, like, innit!

    I was finking abou doin a book set in my neck of the woods like, but I don't fink I could write the whole fing in Taff speak. It's a bluddy nightmare remembering to misspell fings on purpose like, and missing the gees off off the end of words too. Too ducking complicated, and I'm a simple Kairdiff slag at eart, like, and I likes the easy stuff I do.....

    (I'll be bluddy typing like this all ducking night now, like, innit).

  3. SQUEEEEEEEEE! I hoped you'd write about the Taffies in Taff!!!!

    This was bluddy brilliant like, innut?

    Man, I wish I could do that accent! You've reminded me how proud I am to be part Welsh! And Mark has an EXCELLENT idea for you to write a book that is the quintessential welsh handbook...

  4. looks loik ya gorra hairt o' gold, slag; wotta mirakl, innit. I fort ma Welsh buddies in Abu Dhabi (yer, I gotta cupple, one's an Arab loiks ta spout Kairdif, t'other's a reel Kairdif nutter like yoo) spoke reel Welsh, but you gottit maid. Init.
    You forgot anallat!
    but like youse said, you doin' this book and we'se gonna keep yer heid down an atit init anallat. so you don't get away wivvit. See?

    Actually, I'm fae N o' the border - verrra. An we hiv a wey o' spikkin up here you wouldna beleeve. But winna ging intil 'at at this pint, will-aye?

    Thanks-a-muckle fer this; you done good, as they say in Americay. yer nae perchaunce deein' the NaNo init? & if aye, kin I buddy yer? or slag yer, or mate yer? anallat.
    (NaNo siderealview)
    anallat p.s. an' I thocht this blog wiz aboot cricket!!!!

  5. Aye, I be doing the NaNo crazy thingy. You can slag me on there if you like, like, innit! Me username is ambermarie on there, so slag away!


    I can't believe I forgot anallat! *dies* I say it ALL the time, too! Hahaha...

  6. Oops, forgot to glomp Tami, who was responsible for the blogging about Taffies in the first place.

    *glomps Tami*

    *curses bad memory*

  7. *snort* Marian, I can't believe you're so proficient at Taff!!!

  8. Bloody brilliant. I more than forgive you for getting on about the wrong deep fine leg.