Warning - Some posts may cause choking, spitting of beverage and /or a severe giggle fit. This advice brought to you by regular reader Louisa.

Thursday, 8 October 2009


A couple of years ago I experienced the power of slang. Or rather, I realized just how funny it was. I was having a conversation on MSN with an online buddy (who happened to be American), and if she laughed even a tenth as much as I did, then she probably almost wet her pants.

We were discussing the differences between American English and British English. The reason we got on to the subject was because I was trying to describe my favorite breakfast fare, and had to resort to google images to show what I meant. My friend giggled as she told me that they were called 'English Muffins', when all along I had been calling them crumpets (which was the correct term for a Brit). My friend laughed even harder when I told her that 'crumpet' was also a slang word we used over here for the old 'rumpy pumpy' activity. She was most amused at the idea that I liked to eat sex for my breakfast.*snort*

Anyway, after the crumpet conversation, we moved on to slang in general, and I shared some of the famous Cockney slang that, contrary to its name, is used all over the UK. I thought I'd share some of the best ones on today's blog, so coming up is a list of some of the funniest and/or oddest terms that the Cock-e-nies came up with so many years ago.

1 - Apples and pairs = stairs

2 -Cream crackered = knackered (very tired)

3 - Canterbury Tales = Wales

4 - Cherry pie - lie

5 - Curry and rice = nice

6 - Deep fat fryer = liar

7 - Dog and bone = phone

8 - Daffy Ducked = er, they rhyme so I surely don't need to type the actual word here...

9 - Eiffel Tower = shower

10 - Eggs and kippers = slippers

11 - Lemon tart = smart

12 - Long and flexy = sexy

13 - Pants and vest = chest

14 - Paraffin lamp = tramp

15 - Peas in a pot = hot

16 - Petrol pump = hump

17 - Scotch eggs = legs

18 -Small geezers = malteasers (malteasers have been described as being like American Whoppers, they're really yummy chocolate covered honeycomb balls).

19 - Strawberry tart = heart

20 - Two-thirty = dirty

Now I am going to attempt a short paragraph using a few of the above examples. *grins shiftily*

I was so peas in a pot last night that my Scotch eggs were sticking together. Luckily I saw a peas in a pot guy who helped to take my mind off the heat. My strawberry tart pumped wildly in my pants and vest as I gazed upon his handsome face. Wow, he's really long and flexy! I thought to myself. I wouldn't mind parking my eggs and kippers next to his! Unfortunately, he didn't want to lead me up the apples and pears, so I got the petrol pump and decided to get two-thirty with another long and flexy guy. Maybe that makes me a paraffin lamp, but I prefer to think of myself as a lemon tart kind of lady. But before I started searching for my future Mr. Long and Flexy, I decided to eat some small geezers first. And very curry and rice they were too!

I love slang....*giggles*


  1. *giggles* I like your little story, there. I can't help but wonder, though, if you also can use them the other way around? Say, if you actually want eggs and kippers *shivers*, can you just order a pair of slippers? ;)

  2. Very funny. My favorite breakfast are English muffins... er crumpets too. I wonder if you find American slang as funny. I'm not sure If I could think of any as funny as Brit slang though.

  3. The Malteaser is a biscuit ball wrapped in chocolate. Vastly overrated.

    In Scotland we say, "I'm awa' tae the war" for visiting the toilet and "let the kipper see the customer" when we're holding someone back from someone else. (Taken from fishmongers holding people back, presumably).

  4. Ooh, I like the 'let the kipper see the customer' one. :)

    Malteasers are such a favorite I think because they seem to be the obligatory budget present when you're a kid. Every birthday I'd get about half a dozen boxes of them from my friends, so they always remind me of my childhood.

  5. Ah, I didn't realise you were from the UK but living in America. Now I see.

    Yes, I always get Malteasers at Xmas and I'm fully-grown-ish. My parents should go the whole hog and give me socks full of them.

  6. Oh no, I don't live in America! I'm in Cardiff (Wales). Most of my online buddies are American though :)

    Malteasers are still the budget present - when ever my daugher gets invited to friends' parties, I alway buy a box of Malteasers and enclose a fiver in the card. It's just what everyone does.*shrugs*